Thursday, May 21, 2009

One fair use for Waterboarding

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: To avoid what could be federal charges I would just like to state that I am in no way shape or form advocating that non-government entities or persons should kidnap or detain and then waterboard ANYONE. Now...if the CIA wanted to do it to the below mentioned people...who am I to argue with the heroes that keep us safe?

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now, and while I oppose torture in almost all circumstances, there is one that seems like a reasonable, and appropriate use of such techniques as waterboarding and other "harsh interrogation procedures," that being, to waterboard all of the DOJ lawyers and Dick Cheney until such time as they admit that it is torture.

This would be a victory on two fronts and really is the only win-win situation ever devised with regards to the use of torture. As I see it, waterboarding these sorry sacks of shit provides two possible outcomes, both of which would be agreeable to me.

The first outcome, which is the most likely outcome in my opinion, is that they cop to waterboarding and other "harsh methods" as being torture. This proves that they lied in their memos and legal opinions, and, assuming we use the same legal standards that they have imposed on the detainees, would be sufficient evidence of their wrong doing. Also, if they later appear on television or in interviews arguing that they only said it was torture because they were being tortured, it further adds to the fact that information obtained through torture is unreliable.

The second outcome, and, I doubt that any of them have the Jack Bauer ability to resist torture for all that long, is that they don't give in and we get to waterboard Dick Cheney until the end of days (when he gets scooped up in the rapture). While this wouldn't be as fulfilling to the country's soul as the former, it's still a lot of fun to know that those who enacted these awful policies would be on the receiving end of them.


  1. This would make a great radio commentary (if you cleaned up the language a bit).

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